When we do what we know is wrong

Healthy individuals have developed internal values such as honesty, compassion, integrity, diligence, commitment, and respect. Positive values are formed by parents, caregivers, extended family, friends, and environment, as well as by institutions like schools, faith communities, and even the military with its emphases on honor, sacrifice, and duty.

Within a Christian context, the fundamental purpose of spiritual formation is to instill biblical values so deeply within us that cruciform love, nonjudgemental acceptance, honesty, integrity, respect, humility, patience, kindness, forgiveness, and compassion become second nature. This is what is meant by character development. Healthy people have a moral compass, an ethical guide, a conscience formed to be empathic and desire what is best for the flourishing of humankind.

That moral compass can be smashed. Sadly, there are people void of compassion and conscience. They never experience guilt. They have no shame. They see others as objects to be used. Their focus is gaining more wealth and power for themselves. We formerly called them psychopaths. We still call them sociopaths, although technically they have antisocial and narcissistic personalities. (Antisocial in psycho-speak means against society, not unsocial.) Sociopaths and narcissists have no moral compass. They see others as means to their personal ends. They demand loyalty and are quick to cut off those they deem disloyal. They are incapable of empathy, see themselves as always right, and are prone to power and control.

Because they crave control over others, toxic sociopaths and narcissists push their way into positions of power and control and can therefore seem ubiquitous. Some of them rise to positions of influence in churches, governments, or corporations. Fortunately, most people are not like them. Most people want to do what is right. Most people have moral and ethical values.

For most of us, moral incongruence occurs when our actions contradict our moral values. A person who values marriage and commitment but has an affair experiences moral incongruence, which results in feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. A person who values integrity but fraudulently misrepresents a product because “it’s just business” also feels guilty and ashamed.

Those feelings of guilt, shame, and disgust are gifts. Open the door and invite them in. They are there to teach us. They are there to show us a behavior that is disconnected from our values.

Once guilt and shame have done their job, healthy people retire them. If instead we wallow in shame, we fill with self-loathing, which in turn sinks us into depression and hopelessness. Feeling depressed and hopeless, we seek relief, often in the form of the behavior that got all this started in the first place. Another affair. More lies at work. More shortcuts in school. Deeper guilt; increased shame. We become caught in a whirlpool that sucks us under.

There are several ways people try to extract themselves from the whirlpool of guilt and shame. Some of those ways only make things worse. Rather than seeking a change of behavior, some seek to change their values. They seek out voices that tell them everyone does it, it’s no big deal, it’s victimless, it’s just business.

Now, this can be complicated because in some instances the value does need to change. Those raised in overly strict, moralistic, rigid environments often hold themselves to impossible standards, which creates its own set of problems. With the help of a good therapist and spiritual director, the values themselves need to be examined in light of the fundamental nature of ultimate reality and adjusted accordingly.

Some people err in the opposite direction by jettisoning essential values to justify unhealthy and hurtful behavior. They attempt to free themselves from oppressive guilt through denial, disassociation, substance abuse and other forms of addictive behavior. They reject values as social constructs. They live libertine lives, but by so doing, hurt others.

Still others try very hard to be better, only to fail repeatedly. Step one in any 12-step program is admitting you’re powerless on your own. We need that higher power.

Awakened by the first flush of guilt or shame, religious people confess the incongruity. I acted against my values. I acted contrary to what I believe is right. That in turn leads me to self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion, which then empowers me, with God’s help, to take steps to make amends.

The way to become unstuck from the guilt and shame of moral incongruity involves deep, long-term work.

1. The values themselves need to be examined. Where did they come from? Were they imposed on me by my family of origin, my culture, or religion? What do I really believe? What are my true values? How did I arrive at them and why? What is the basis of my moral and ethical belief system?

2. For those of us who believe in God, what kind of God do we believe in? Is this God strict? Harsh? Imposing unreasonable standards on us? Is our God a senile old fellow who just wants us to have a good time? An impersonal amoral force? Or, is God loving, accepting, compassionate, and forgiving? Who is God to me?

3. Self-awareness. Learning to be mindful of my surroundings and what’s going on inside me is vital. What events or interactions trigger my feelings of self-doubt? Recognizing when I begin to feel depressed or discouraged, I can take steps to mitigate it before it pulls me down into that whirlpool of self-loathing. Early awareness that a practice is less than ethical, that a behavior violates my moral compass enables me to adjust. I can speak up. I can walk away.

4. Self-awareness leads to self-acceptance, which in a Christian context, is based on God’s unconditional acceptance of me. Just as I am, with all my confusion, addictions, inclinations, and idiosyncrasies, God accepts me. In fact, God likes me. God, it turns out, is nice.

5. Self-acceptance produces self-forgiveness. The narcissist never blames himself for anything. He feels he needs no forgiveness. The healthy person knows she has feet of clay, makes mistakes, and sometimes acts contrary to her internalized values. She feels guilt but does not live in it. She confesses, makes amends, accepts her imperfect self as beloved, and forgives, stops berating herself. She develops self-compassion. She is aware of her weaknesses, aware of what triggers incongruent behavior, relies on power outside herself, and experiences freedom.

Moral injury is similar to, but distinct from, moral incongruence. Moral incongruence occurs when I act contrary to my values. Moral injury occurs when I witness unethical actions by others and fail to intervene, protest, or prevent what is occurring. Moral incongruence results from a sin of commission. Moral injury results from a sin of omission.

I have white privilege that afforded me opportunities others were denied. If I fail to use that privilege to speak up in defense of a victim of racial prejudice, I feel guilty knowing I should have intervened. If I ignore the woman on the subway flashing the “help me” sign or choose to say nothing when something unethical is occurring at work, I experience moral injury. In a healthcare setting where the results of unethical or substandard care can have life-threatening consequences, participating or ignoring may leave me with profound shame.

In both moral injury and moral incongruence, the process of recovery is the same. Allow the guilt to instruct, then set it aside. Admit powerlessness, rely on God’s strength to make amends, examine the values, reiterate the character of the divine, become more mindful, accepting, and forgiving, and look for an opportunity to speak up next time.