It seems like no one listens anymore. Talking heads yell over one another on television, politicians utter absurd outlandish lies that are swallowed by the gullible, social media is only interested in clicks.
Truth be told, we’ve probably never been very good at listening. While the other person is talking, we’re thinking of what we want to say. We finish each other’s sentences, interrupt one another, talk over one another.
When was the last time you had a deep, respectful, meaningful conversation?
How often do parents really listen to their children?
How often did your parents really listen to how you felt and what you were concerned about?
How many homeless people do we walk by without acknowledging their existence, much less taking the time to listen to their story?
How many spouses take time regularly to deeply listen to one another’s feelings, fears, concerns, worries, hopes, or ambitions?
When we aren’t heard, we feel isolated and lonely, misunderstood and devalued.
One of the greatest gifts we can give one another is to learn how to deeply listen. Listening is an act of love. Listening respects the humanity of the other. Listening connects us.
We need help. More specifically, we need some gifts, some graces, some charisma, especially hospitality, mercy, wisdom, and encouragement.
Hospitality is the gift we give to strangers and lovers alike. It says, “you are welcome here just as you are. I value you as a fellow human being.”
Mercy involves compassion, empathy, and understanding. It precludes judgmentalism, contemptuousness, and devaluing. It eliminates othering.
Wisdom combines insight with knowing when to speak and when to be still. Always err on the side of saying too little.
Encouragement and reassurance boost a person’s view of themselves and others, and opens space for genuine dialogue.
The art of listening involves becoming a listening presence – someone who listens for understanding rather than for judging or arguing. It opens us up so we can hear and understand people from diverse backgrounds, cultures, religions, and belief systems, those unlike us. It’s about being open, curious, and attentive to others in such a way that they feel more fully expressed and alive.
How do we become good listeners?
Clear space to really listen without distractions. Silence the devices, turn off the noise, put aside whatever you’re doing. Nothing says “I’m not listening” like checking your phone while someone is talking to you.
Set aside your biases. We all have them. No one is bias-free. But we can become aware of our biases and not let them prejudice us.
Set aside the desire to fix, correct, inform, straighten out, or win.
Stop talking. Shut up and listen. Really listen to what the other is saying. Listen deeply. Listen to the tone of voice, the inflection of the phrases, the emotions behind the words.
Don’t interrupt people or finish their sentences for them.
Pause before speaking. Become comfortable with silence. Think before you speak. As the Good Book says, “be slow to speak.”
Be in touch with your inner voice. What are you feeling? What is being triggered in you as you listen?
Ask God for wisdom to know when to speak and what to say.
Listen to understand, not necessarily agree, and never to win an argument. Be empathetic, understanding, kind. “Wow, that must have so hard.”
Ask for clarification. Explain that to me. How did you come to believe what you believe?
Let the speaker know you heard them. Mirror back their feelings, not like a tape recorder, but instead by rephrasing what they said to be sure you understood.
Be patient. Let the other vent if they need to, but don’t absorb unjust criticism. Be kind. Speak softly.
Be openminded. Everyone has something to teach us if we’re open to it.
Similarly, be humble. You might be the one who is wrong, who doesn’t have the full picture.
Seek a deeper reality. “What was that like for you?” “How do you feel when you describe that?”
Deeply, respectfully, compassionately listening to understand another human being is one of the greatest and most noble acts of love.
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