Who am I?
It is vital for us to discover our authentic selves. We all emerge into adulthood wearing layers of personae. They are necessary and often good. As we mature, we assume needed roles – student, intern, partner, parent, professor, construction worker.
But the authentic self lies beneath our personae. Like layers of clothing, personae need to be stripped away to get to the core. By “stripped away,” I do not mean cast off or neglected. We continue to play roles like parent or sales rep throughout life. By “stripped away,” I mean we need to look beneath them.
Parts of our identity are handed to us. We had no choice in the matter. Some identities are handed to us; they are baked in. We cannot change them.
Sex – almost all of us are born female or male.
Nationality of our ancestors
Socio-economic class of our families of origin
The religiophilosophical belief system of our families of origin
Physical, emotional, developmental abilities (or disabilities)
Age, generation
Ethnicity
First language
Our genetic makeup
Forget “race.” Race is a construct invented to justify chattel slavery by placing one ethnicity above others. There is no such thing as a “white race,” or a “black race.” There is only one race – human.
Evidence suggests that gender and sexual orientation identities are innate, but it may take time to discover them.
Some identities we make for ourselves – doctor, lawyer, cabinet maker, teacher, plumber, progressive, conservative, cat-lover … They describe what we do, our vocations, our hobbies. They reflect our skills, talents, and preferences.
Some identities are forged by life – combat veteran, cancer survivor, suicide survivor, schizophrenic, adult child of an alcoholic, immigrant … I’m a suicide survivor, for example. Some of us are in clubs we never wanted to join.
Some identities are labels placed on us by others – slow learner, dyslexic, addict, precocious child, class-clown, weird guy, loser … Labels can be harmfully burdensome.
Some identities come and go. I once was a pastor of a large church. I once was a hospital chaplain. My views on various issues have evolved and changed.
What really matters is how we answer the question, “Who am I?” What does my authentic self look like? In my essence, my core, who was I created to be?
My parents were scientists. I am the youngest of two. I’m a cis-gendered, straight American male of European ancestry. I’m a spiritual director and pastoral counselor. I identify as “a middle-class progressive.” I identity as a Christian, a follower of Jesus, a grown-up Jesus freak, a child of the 1960s. I identify as an Anabaptist pacifist with a deep concern for social and environmental justice.
All good, but none of that gets to who I really am, deep down in my inner-most being. Apart from my ancestry, my upbringing, my education, my environment, my genetics, and my vocations, who am I in my essence, my core?
Ancestors and environment are strongly influential; but am I saddled with that identity? As Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
Who am I? I am not my parents. I am not what I do. I am not my training or education. I am not bound by my ethnicity. All of that factors into who I am, but none of it defines who I am.
All of us have some commonality. We are all beloved of God, created in the divine image, of infinite unsurpassable worth, and designed for a purpose. Unless we’re deeply damaged, we are all capable of loving and being loved. This is where I start. I am God’s beloved child. I have infinite worth. I have purpose. I can love. I can receive love. Awesome. But I still haven’t gotten to what distinguishes me from all other humans.
Inscribed on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi were the words, “Know Thyself.” Easier said than done. At least since Plato (4th century BCE), it has been understood to mean, “know your soul.” Soul, Self, spirit, essence, inner core, authentic being, heart – whatever term we use, we’re talking about the deepest part of who we are.
Many of us never find our souls. We go through life wearing the personae handed to us. We live and die thinking we are our labels. When I counsel people, I try to help them get to their authentic selves. Too often what we wind up with is something like, “I’m an Italian-American male barber who loves sports and old cars.” All surface personae.
The deepest part of our identities is unique. Among all the billions of humans, we are individuals. No two of us are alike, and none of us are the same people we were a decade ago (unless all we’ve done is watch television). We are not who our parents, teachers, mentors, coaches, bosses, coworkers, spouses, partners, siblings, friends, or society say we are. We are most likely not who we grew up thinking we are.
It is impossible to become fully self-actualized, fully human, and fully alive without discovering your authentic self. It is a journey through the fire and back to Eden.
Some suggestions on taking the journey into selfhood:
Ask God (the divine, the cosmic self, the universe, higher power) to help you find your true self and have the courage to embrace it and live it out.
Look deeply within on a daily basis. Solitude and silence are essential. Get in touch with your body. Deep breathing. Yoga. Be still. Where do you carry stress, fear, uneasiness? Chest? Throat? Shoulders?
Spend time in nature. Stop. Listen. Observe. Trees, birds, brooks, pounding surf, and grazing deer will speak to you if you listen carefully.
Spend time daily in meditation and contemplative prayer. In contemplative prayer, you don’t talk to God, you listen to God. You listen to the whisper of love within. If what you hear is kind, gentle, forgiving, gracious, compassionate, caring, and loving, it’s God’s voice. God is love.
Read sacred writings. Read the text very slowly and repeatedly, preferably out loud. Let it soak in deeply.
Pay attention. What gives you pleasure? Perhaps children laughing, or old people singing, or playing catch with your daughter, or working on your car.
What stirs your heart with compassion and concern? Climate crisis? Maltreatment of immigrants? Racism? Antisemitism? Homelessness? Addicted or mentally ill people? Vulnerable teenagers? What do you care about most deeply?
With the help of a professional analyst, delve into the symbols in your dreams. Dreams are images that arise from the unconscious. The unconscious is where our brains automatically put things we don’t want to look at. They can be positive or negative. If my self image includes the message that I’m stupid, for example, my unconscious will contain images that indicate otherwise. A caution: there’s a lot of nonsense about dream interpretation online. What something symbolizes to you will be different than what the same or a similar image symbolizes to me. Dreams are best interpreted by a psychotherapist who knows you. You can find an analyst here: https://jungiananalystdirectory.com
Stepping out of the intellect enough to be creative is another pathway to authenticity. Woodworking, painting, sculpting, sailing, running, writing poetry, welding scrap metal into funny shapes, singing, dancing, playing music, or whatever else you can think of. Let yourself go. Don’t compete or turn it into a job. Just be free. Have fun. You’re doing this for you, not others.
Engage a spiritual director to walk with you as you seek to dive more deeply into your authentic self. Spiritual directors don’t direct – they listen, walk with, guide, offer observations and encourage. You can find a spiritual director here: https://www.sdicompanions.org or here: https://www.graftedlife.org/spiritual-direction/find-a-spiritual-director
Make friends with fellow seekers. Encourage one another on the journey. Include in your circle of friends people from different faith traditions and backgrounds. We learn so much by being with people different from ourselves. I’ve learned much from my African-American, Latinx, Jewish, and Muslim friends.
Discovering who you were created to be, your authentic self, is a life-long process, but it’s a joyous journey that opens up as you go. Colors, sounds, odors, and sensations become crisper, brighter, pulsating with life. It’s an awesome journey that leads to a sense of inner freedom and joy. Join in.
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